Writing Suicide Notes In Black Ink

Is there something wrong inside my head?
I keep on wishing I were dead
Will writing about it help?
I think I am broken…
Threatening existence – testing faith –
Despair and depression comes
knocking on my door, Often…

I don’t ask for help
For I don’t know what I would say.
I just know deep inside
Something is killing me –
My mind is willing me –
To death, yes that’s the way.

Sometimes I question,
Was a Bertha always in me?
And I unleashed her now – Right?
Because this madness inside – I can’t fight.

And the thoughts – oh the beautiful thoughts
Of red wrists – hanging heads –
Of cutting myself up with a dull multi-tool ,
Seeing the blood ooze out, a pool !

Those feelings – oh how I want to feel
The numbness as a blunt blade skates through my skin
The struggle in breathing as I hang myself and a rough rope slits my throat out and in.

Why can’t I stop thinking of Self-harm ?
They say, It’s a sin.
Doxepin – Zoloft – Prozac – Will you keep me firm ?
Because they say, Pharmaceuticals will one day help me win.

Now it’s been more than a year.
Drowning still seems near,
No sky looks pink,
And I am still writing suicide notes in Black ink.

I hope I am not Forgotten…

I have been writing out my thoughts here since long. But since 2018 I have been undergoing Depression and while battling it I couldn’t be available here much. I missed writing . I wanted to let out my thoughts but never could have the strength to get up from my bed , sit , think , and write something.

Being in Depression isn’t nice. It sent me down a black hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase… And the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain. And people and their questions , Oh God. Firstly I would like to state that Depression is a disease. It’s not a phase , it’s a disease that needs to be cured and you need a doctor not some people who advise you to Stay happy or Watch TV or Travel. Those are complete misconceptions.

No matter how good someone’s life seems like it should be from the outside, mental health factors can still surface. That’s why people who experience anxiety and depression get frustrated when people say things like “what do you have to be sad about?” or “but you’re doing so well in this part of your life, why not just focus on that?” Those questions aren’t helpful because mental health doesn’t always depend on career success or an exciting advancement in your personal life. Someone can still experience a dark time while it seems good things are happening to them….

So things kept pilling up, my anxiety , my panic attacks , the Doctor yes , did supply me with medicines but still my emptiness still existed . It took me one whole year or may be more to come out of it , if not fully but now I am strong enough to not harm myself and atleast may be smile at life , Sometimes

I have been wanting to.share my experience here on WordPress and today I thought I should write something. I wrote some poetry , will Publish soon. I hope people read.

Thank You.